


The music, the road, and the wind

by Angelwinged_bish



Category: The Perks of Being a Wallflower - All Media Types
Genre: Stories To Save Lives, feeling numb, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:20:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25723489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angelwinged_bish/pseuds/Angelwinged_bish
Summary: Driving down an old country road with music blasting, feeling the wind on my face, feeling the pounding of my heartbeat, feeling the cold air dance around me. Feeling. This isn’t feeling. All of this can be going on around me and yet I don’t feel a thing.
Kudos: 4





	The music, the road, and the wind

Driving down an old country road with music blasting, feeling the wind on my face, feeling the pounding of my heartbeat, feeling the cold air dance around me. Feeling. This isn’t feeling. All of this can be going on around me and yet I don’t feel a thing. I feel wind on my goosebumps but I don’t feel joy when I play. I feel the muscles in my face smile but I don’t feel sad when I’m being yelled at. I feel my hair flowing behind me but I don’t get upset when I disappoint people. I don’t feel happy or sad or scared or mad. I don’t feel. I just go through the day over and over and over.  
I think I remember a time when I felt. A couple of memories about being happy, about liking something. There was sadness, being frightened, anxiousness, anger. I also remember mostly feeling empty. I felt like nothing. Now I feel nothing. Trying to explain it to someone makes them jump to the thought that well just cause you’re sad right now doesn’t mean you don’t feel happiness. They say “ Well you enjoy being around your friends.” They don’t understand that my friends are like the music, the road, and the wind. They are fun to be around, that doesn’t mean I feel. When they laugh it’s like hearing music, not feeling elated. When I’m around them I know I’m safe but I don’t feel secure. When we are sitting I can watch them get excited over a topic but I can’t hear what they’re saying because my mind is blank. Knowing they are having a good time while I’m struggling to keep a smile on my face, logically I know it should hurt. It should hurt that not one of them notices, but that feeling never comes. None do. I’m going through life only feeling the physical aspects of everything. So the adrenaline from speeding, the rush from skateboarding down a steep hill, the picking fights to get a rise out of people, and the reading devastating books, are the only breaks I get from the numbness. That’s why when my friends hug me my chest tightens and for those few seconds I’m warm and I’m being held. Held by someone not wanting to do harm, but by someone who wants me to feel safe. It’s the only time there’s this little tug of hope. A small thrum of hoping they may be able to fix me. That they may be able to put enough of me back together to make me feel alive again. Because even though I feel nothing and I try not to want anything, I can’t stop myself from wanting. I want so bad. I want to think that if they could hold me tighter they could cram all the emotions back into me. But no amount of being held is going to bring back something that has been gone for a long time.  
For now all I have is the music, the road, and the wind.


End file.
